Classics No More: Bad Horror Movie Remakes

A List of Slashers and Thrillers Ruined by Modern Filmmakers

Dec 16, 2008

Michael Myers and Norman Bates have their images tarnished by shoddy remakes of once terrifying films.

With The Day the Earth Stood Still topping the box office and Friday the 13th and My Bloody Valentine (in astonishing 3-D) looming just around the start of the new year, sci-fi and horror fans have plenty to spend their movie-going bucks on. Some, however, might be put off by remakes of films that were fine the way they were. Here is a list of five movies that went from thriller to snoozer with their respective remakes.

Psycho is the best remake on this list, but arguably the most unnecessary. If Hitchcock’s classics need to be modernized (that’s a big “if”), then the filmmakers should at least put their own spin on things. Director Gus Van Sant felt it better to just blow his opportunity on a shot-for-shot remake.

This late-90s retread stars Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates and, while he gives a commendable performance as the disturbed proprietor of Bates Motel, it’s likely a role that few Psycho fans are dying to see again. Anne Heche co-stars as Marion, who falls victim to "Mother" in the most infamous shower scene of all.

Another classic ruined by a visionary director. Zombie’s approach to filmmaking is too stylistic, too violent and too trashy for Halloween. No one in the new cast compares to Jamie Lee Curtis or Donald Pleasence - not even Malcolm McDowell, who takes over for Pleasence as Michael Myers' doctor, Sam Loomis.

The likeable small-town characters are replaced by foul-mouthed white trash, and from the first five minutes it’s clear there are plenty of tricks ahead and few (if any) treats. Everything that was right about the John Carpenter original is missing here, except the trademark Halloween score, which makes a cameo appearance.

There is something in the fog, and it’s about as scary as a family of raccoons scampering through the forest. The 1980 original is one of John Carpenter’s most underappreciated horror titles, full of atmospheric shots and general creepiness. This 2005 disaster, however, is full of CGI and confusing plot elements. Like most modern horrors, the characters are annoying as well, though Selma Blair does her best to make viewers forget that Adrienne Barbeau was much better in the role of radio personality Stevie Wayne.

If it’s December 24th and the television is on, odds are someone will come across Bob Clark’s holiday classic A Christmas Story. Most fans of this family film probably don’t realize that it was Clark’s second stop under the mistletoe – the first being the groundbreaking horror film, Black Christmas.

The polar opposite of his nostalgic tale about Ralphie and the Red Ryder BB gun, Clark’s version of Black Christmas depicted the slayings of members of a sorority house with stylistic innovation. Think Halloween was the first true slasher film? Think again.

The 2006 remake is an abomination. Too much back story is given to the killer, and while Olivia Hussey’s performance in the original is sub-par, the acting in the update is far less tolerable. Notable names include B-listers Michelle Trachtenberg and Lacey Chabert.

The original Wicker Man isn’t a typical horror movie, but the remake is closer to comedy. All it takes is Nicolas Cage punching a woman in the face while donning a bear costume to raise some eyebrows about the seriousness of this cinematic dud. Stick to the original. It’s far more mysterious than terrifying, but it has a big payoff when the truth is revealed.

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